Are you anxious in your approach to love?
About 25% of the population approaches bonding with what scientists refer to as an anxious attachment style.
In the article What Is Anxious Attachment Style & How Can It Affect A Relationship, I walked you through an understanding of how this particular attachment style lends itself to predictable obstacles. Understanding who you are and what you need in any relationship is enormously empowering.
Let’s take this a step further and examine what to do about it when you’re dating!
If you know you are anxiously attached (not sure, take my Love Thyself course and I’ll walk you through all of that and much more!), you have a relatively hard time trusting, feeling safe, secure and loved.
Nonetheless, your ability and need to have a secure relationship can and should be met.
To get there, here are your basic rules of the road:
Attachment Theory is the scientific map of how we bond with others to increase our chances of survival! As mammals, we quite literally depend on emotional bonds with others to survive. Scientific studies have continued to underscore that the warmth and quality of our connections is the number one factor predictive of quality of life, longevity, and is even a huge factor in financial stability.
Scientists divide the styles that people adopt to bond into roughly 4 categories. About 50% of the population had a development such that they bond in a “secure style.” The other 50% of the population develop attachment styles such as avoidant, anxious or disorganized.
An anxious attachment style describes a person who finds it very difficult to rest in feelings of safety and security. Wondering if this is you?
In my courses, and in psychotherapy, I guide people towards forming what we call a Securely Functioning Relationship. If you are working with me I am starting with the assumption that this is one of if not your primary goal!
The benefits of a secure bond include your essential life satisfaction, resiliency, insulation from life threatening diseases, better sleep, better moods, better cognitive functioning and athletic or professional performance.
You will hear me referring to this goal as “the land of the extraordinary.” That is because a securely functioning relationship is truly extraordinary-- in experience, and in the benefits it provides.
The term “securely functioning” comes from the language of Attachment Theory. Attachment Theory is the scientific theory that describes how we behave when we bond to another person.
Our Attachment System is the biological system that is activated when we bond to...
Most people with anxiety are keenly aware that certain relationships can either reduce or drastically increase anxiety, but do you know why? Most people react from their gut, either withdrawing or frantically seeking a relationship; both often spiral into dysfunctional patterns. With some discernment, you can learn to use anxiety as a diagnostic clue to help you navigate relationships, increase healthy connections, and leave dysfunctional ones.
If you have not heard of Attachment Theory, it is the scientific map of how we bond with others to increase our chances of survival! As mammals, we quite literally depend on emotional bonds with others to survive. Scientific studies have continued to underscore that the warmth and quality of our connections is the number one factor predictive of our life quality, longevity, and is even a huge factor in financial stability.
The one principle you need to understand first is that our need for closeness in relationship is...
Welcome to Depth Therapy, the place to Re-Wire Your Relationships for success. When we get to the heart of your heart with the penetrating understanding of Depth Therapy, you will transform your history into a depth of understanding and skill that empowers you to create the relational life you need.
Do you know what is Depth Therapy, and how can it serve you? Depth Therapy is the research-based knowledge necessary to succeed in relationships. Depth therapy is a term to describe therapy based on the notion that our minds are made up largely of unconscious and subconscious parts. If your mind is like a triangle, scientists estimate that the conscious part takes up a tiny portion of about 5-7% at the top of the triangle! This is why many intelligent, educated thoughtful people get stuck making changes in their lives. There are many, many challenges we’ve all worked through on our own, without the help of a therapist or psychologist. When people come to me, it is...
The language of Attachment Theory has become somewhat common parlance in today's mainstream world. You have likely heard of "attachment styles" and have some idea of how your early bonds shape your style of attaching and bonding in early life.
Attachment Theory began with a British scientist named John Bowly in the 1960's, who noticed that humans behave in a manner driven by a biological need to bond with their caregivers. This was a revolutionary notion at the time and caused him to be ostracized by the field of psychoanalysis, which at the time was governed by the notion that humans were motivated by internal fantasies, needs and desires. What is so exciting today is that this one-time dichotomy is now understood as a unified whole.
Object Relations is the fancy medical terminology which describes how our interpersonal relationships become encoded in our internal world, which is why our early relationships have such an enormously influential role shaping our identity, beliefs,...
Welcome to Relationships RE-Wired